Seriously, enough. We are starting over and I don't see this drastic change you keep telling me about. You still spend all your time out with friends and ignoring responsibility. I am tired of hearing about their drama, I haven't even met them, I really honestly don't give a damn. I am tired of having to bail you out, I am done. This was it, my last money gift to you is the tax return check, that plus what you are making from my mom better get you through. Honestly it should, you will have to cut back on some things but you were supposed to be doing that anyway. This was supposed to be the time for you to grow up, live on your own and learn to be more responsible, instead you are acting like a teenager when his parents are gone for the weekend. Party and forget that you have stuff you are supposed to do. If you aren't willing to put in the effort then I should just stop, unfortunately I don't seem to have the ability to flat out stop but I can pull back some. I don't have to be sitting back waiting for your phone calls and texts. Hell, you put me on hold half the time anyway so you can go play with your friends, makes me feel like shit, which I have told you but it hasn't changed. i know you aren't supposed to be with someone and expect them to change but at some point you have to expect them to grow up, right? I am tired of feeling walked over, I am tired of looking back and saying "wow, I am putting way more in than I am getting back" and I am tired of looking back and feeling like I have been treated unfair and poorly. I don't want to feel like shit, I don't want to feel like a baby sitter or mother or anything but a happy wife. How do I get to that point? Will we ever get to that point or is this how things are going to be for the rest of forever?

I am completely bored. Normally when I am bored I would pester my husband and text him or call him way more than he probably wants to deal with. Unfortunately he is out at the Renaissance Faire today with a big group of friends. We were texting but he was taking ten minutes per response and it was driving me insane and doing nothing for my boredom so I decided to stop. I am really irritated but most of all really unhappy and homesick. I actually sent a text a little while ago hoping he would make me feel better and I still haven’t gotten a response, at least he is enjoying himself. I love going to the ren faire, that is our tradition and I am missing it. Now he is not only out doing something I really want to be doing but he is out playing with a big group of friends and doesn’t even really seem to have time to talk to me. I hate this. I hate being stuck here, I hate that I am here until mid June, I hate that I don’t relly have anyone to hang out with or anything to do, I hate that I can’t see my husband or anybody else, I just hate it. I don’t know how I thought I could deal with this long separation but I am not dealing with it well at all. My first anniversary will be happening while I am home for two weeks. I will have been married a year which is awesome except I will have been gone for half of it. I am missing holidays, I am missing faires, I am missing family and friends, I am missing cuddles and hugs and kisses and I am missing kitty love too. I have nothing here at all. It doesn’t help my mood that my room mate is taking a nap which means I have to try to be quiet and the room is all dark. Normally I am sitting and munching and watching movies or something. Nope, not today. I thought she was supposed to be gone all day volunteering for the animal shelter but that only lasted until noon, we were both pretty surprised. I can’t stop making countdowns. I have a countdown of total days until I am out of here, a countdown of school days until I am out of here, a countdown of PT days, a countdown of days until hubby visits…the list goes on. It is kind of crazy honestly but I just can’t help it. Supposedly our PT is supposed to be getting harder here. I am not looking forward to it. One of the MTL’s was talking about having us go out in our ABU’s and tennis shoes and doing low crawling and a whole bunch of other stuff like that, definitely not fun at all. I guess I can struggle through that stuff one way or the other, just so long as he doesn’t up the running. Apparently the Air Force itself may be redoing their physical fitness standards and putting more emphasis on running. I hate that, everyone who has anything to do with physical standards seems to assume that running is the best thing in the world. There is so much other stuff to do! We can get in shape so many ways but nope, we have to run. Running just hurts people, there are so many things that can go wrong with it. If you are running on the wrong ground then you can screw up your legs, if you are in the wrong shoes you are doomed, if you have the wrong form then Heaven help you…grrr, that’s all I have to say. We might get snow on Monday again. I hope so, if it’s early enough it gets me out of PT but snow just seems kind of fun. The weather is stupid and random so it will probably be bright and sunny but I am hoping. Most likely what will actually happen is it will get really cold but be just above freezing with no rain or snow so we still have PT and end up freezing. We also have a 50% chance of thunder and lightnng storms tonight, a good storm would make me really happy. I haven’t seen a really good one since Texas. All of the weather reports are straddling the line of PT or no PT. They all play it safe and say there may be snow and it may be below freezing, possibly. Someone give me a more confident answer. I hate trying to guess the weather, I should probably just try to turn it into a fun game or something. Give myself a treat if I guess right, maybe I can get my room mate in on it, it could be a little fun and make it a little less frustrating. Most sites I am looking at seem to be saying actual temperature will be above freezing but wind chill is what could cause the temperature to lower. Tricky, tricky Missouri. On the bright side, I phase up soon! Woot, I will be able to leave this base in civilian clothes. I have to pass a PT test before I can but that at least means that one day of PT next week won’t be too bad for me. So, if one (preferably 2) days of PT get canceled then another bad one gets knocked out for evals and I am potentially left with one day of the really hard PT. There is a little bit of a brightside to next week. Plus I get to start looking forward to my husband coming out here. Once next week rolls around I will start a countdown and then the week after that he will actually be driving out, I am excited! He will be here for two-ish weeks. that means that I come back from school, finish formation and can run off with him to somewhere off base and pretend that things are somewhat where they should be. After that it is about two weeks between visits. I think that will be what gets me through this. He will have three visits, in 2 weeks he is here, he is here for 2 weeks then here again 2 weeks later and 2 weeks after that is the last visit and the one that I get to actually drive home with him. Three visits and it is all done. At least I know that 4 weeks of this (the times he will be here before graduation) will fly by. I just have to make sure I don’t get too distracted with him here and I have to keep studying. I can get through this…because I don’t want to be here any longer than I have too, especially with the talk of all of the ticks coming out…ew, freaking Missouri. PS. I have started a blog at wordpress too, some posts are the same, some not...http://evanescentsoul.wordpress.com/

location: in my bed in my tech school in Missouri... mood: blah music: random mix from my Ipod tags: air force, hubby, pt, renaissance faire, tech school, weather

I am hurt and broken and isolated. I have no one to talk to about it because I don't think anyone would understand like I might want them too. Hell, if a friend came up to me with what I am dealing with right now and the decision I am making I don't think I would understand my friend or be happy with their decision either. I am supposed to be studying for a test tomorrow but I can't seem to concentrate, things just aren't right and once again I am ready to cry. I am tired of crying, I am tired of being hurt, I am tired of selfish thoughtlessness. I give so much, why do I just get screwed over repeatedly? Why can't I stop it from happening?

mood: depressed

My internet is being sad right now and moving terribly slow. I keep trying to entertain myself with it and can’t load pages, I think it is a sign that I should be studying right now, but instead I keep staring at the screen waiting for things to move faster.

The weekend is done, it is sad but it means another week over and a little closer to being out of here. I think I actually have to start doing PT this week. I am not looking forward to it but I guess I would have to do it at some point. All I have to do is be able to run about 3 miles, that’s nothing, right? Ha, maybe if I keep telling myself that it will be true. I eventually have to pass some PT tests anyway so I need to practice, once I get out of here hopefully I will be able to PT on my own and just use an eliptical, swim or bike. I don’t mind getting out and being active, I can deal with that, I admit normally I am lazy but I can go out and do things. My issue is being forced to do an activity I don’t like. I hate running, it doesn’t interest me at all, yes it gets my heart rate up but it hurts. I could just as easily bike and swim and enjoy my work out. There are lots of things to keep me active and happy.

The next thing that this week brings is a phase up. I am so excited. I finally get to have my own sheets and blankets tomorrow night. I am going shopping tomorrow after final formation and will throw them on my bed ASAP. I am tired of the blankets that send fuzz all over my room. How am I supposed to keep the place super clean if I get blanket lint everywhere if I even think of moving the stupid thing? Plus it means no more hospital corners but I think I covered that already. I also have my husband sending me some civilian clothes that I will be able to wear around base. Yay! I can get out of my boots after formation and don’t have to put them back on to go places. That is good, less pain for my feet, I should really think of getting boots that fit right but I think I will try getting some inserts first. I am also allowed to ride in cars (or drive but I don’t have a car to drive) of people other than taxi drivers. My last cab ride was crazy. Our driver played some awesome music but he was nuts. He was speeding and taking the corners pretty sharp, no surprise there, he is a taxi driver, but the funny part was the shortcut. We were in the process of driving past a road that was under construction with a big do not enter sign on it. What does this crazy cab driver do? He slams on the breaks, tells us to hold on, throws it in reverse and then flys through the construction zone. We hit some nice bumps and he bottomed out the car a few times but we made it where we needed to safe. We got lucky, he didn’t try to drive off while we were in the process of getting out of the car like he did for the other girl that got dropped off. Anyway, I will be able to ride in a car with people so my room mate can take me places if she wants to or if my husband comes up I can go around with him.

I also will have a test this week. This test makes me nervous and is on 82 pages worth of stuff. We will have worked on this 82 pages worth of stuff for a week total. That is a lot of stuff in not such a long time. I think this is one of the bigger blocks though so hopefully the rest won’t be so crazy. I think the test will also be just on basic stuff so if I can get that down hopefully I will be ok.

I guess I just have to see how this week goes, wish me luck!

location: Missery (Missouri) mood: nervous tags: internet, physical training, school, taxi

Why did talking to my husband just now make me feel like crap? I don't think he really gets it...

mood: lonely

So basic training is done, I made it! I passed my mile and a half run in 14:01, push ups were at 31 and sit ups were 54 (or 48 depending on if he took my second score or not). It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, it was tough, don't get me wrong, but not what I expected. I am now waiting in the airport to go to my tech school, the next part of my adventure. I got to see my family for the weekend and it was nice but I am really sad to see them go. Hopefully life will be easier now that I can actually contact them, yay for contact, phones and internet! Just another three-ish months and I can go home and then to my new base, I am so excited. I think the husband has finally figured out what I have been so happy about and finally discovered the joy of the potential stability we have. I have been so excited about it and I thought he was to but apparently his joy was more because I was happy, he hadn't fully understood what me going to the Air Force actually does for us. He figured it out last night and was on a little happiness high. I am glad he figured it out because it makes everything so much easier when we both know that in the end it is all worth it.

I am currently exhausted. BMT took pretty much everything I had. Ask my family, I pretty much fall out right at nine now. Since that was my bedtime my body is used to pushing before that and then right at nine basically shuts down. It kind of has a "screw you" attitude when I try to stay up. My town pass Saturday was spent just relaxing. I got a long hot shower, a massage from my husband and a nap (unfortunately we got distracted by Harry Potter so the nap was not as long as I would have liked). All in all a good day.

That is about it for now, I am not in the mood to write anything long since I am at the air port, maybe I will write more after my first adventures at tech school.

location: Dallas Air Port mood: exhausted tags: basic training, family

I am off to basic training. Well the hotel anyway, basic is tomorrow. Things are moving fast and I really hope basic goes fast too, I hate being yelled at. I will miss everyone and I will try to write when I can.

I think that is all there really is to say and I am keeping it short because I am typing this on a phone. Love you all, see you in 3 months if you are coming to graduation or 6 if you aren't!

location: driving mood: nervous

So the weekend has begun and the crazy plans are unfolding. Sister and I went shopping today (though we didn't really do as much as we planned) and she got a couple of address books and we went home. We went to dinner and now are home watching some recorded episodes of Heroes. The goal is to finish the series before I leave. Tomorrow I go to get sworn in at the Supercross extravaganza and Sunday will be total insanity. Monday is still up in the air but at some point I have to make it to my hotel so I can go to sleep and wake up at some insane time and go through MEPS and then fly to San Antonio. So close and yet so far...

mood: busy music: Heroes on TV tags: basic training, supercross, weekend

I woke up late today as usual but if I had known all of the things I was going to have to do I would have woken up earlier. My original plan from the day before was to go with my sister in the afternoon to see if the post office had our package and then to hang out with a friend later that night before she flew back to Texas. I also had to go see my recruiter, take a trip to the bank and maybe to the stock people. All in all not a whole lot to do.

Well I get calls early afternoon starting from my mom, she wants me to go to the post office because her husband has just had the brilliant idea that maybe the package was lost there because of a smudged address (really? maybe it got lost at the post office, man I wish we were as smart as he is and had known that could happen and thought of doing that earlier....oh wait, we had been planning to do that since Christmas! Sorry dude, you aren't that brilliant, you are actually a bit slow). Anyway, so after I have been online for a bit waiting for my sister to jump on (since for some reason she still does not have a phone...*glares at sister*) I get a call from my recruiter, I was in our TV room which barely gets signal and I figured she was just calling to make sure I was meeting with her today so I let it go to voice mail. Well finally after a little while of waiting for sister I go to check my voicemails and find out that A)mom wants me to go to the post office ASAP because she wants to avoid making the extra cards if possible B) I have to take the people at the bank and stock place the Christmas gifts she got them because apparently they don't have them yet C) I am not actually meeting my recruiter, I am meeting her boss at an office that is forty minutes to an hours drive away depending on traffic.

At this point I look at my clock and realize that for me to get to the briefing and get all of this stuff done before I am supposed to be meeting with my friend for dinner I need to get moving now. I message my sister online and tell her that unfortunately I can't wait for her and I am just going to run on all of my errands, I feel bad for bailing but it just would have been us going to the post office and I am sure she can deal with out the post office. So I grab hubby and I am already in a grumbly mood because my whole plan has been completely shifted with the new meeting. I go out to the bank and get my money transferred from my mom (thank goodness, now I can pay my bills before I leave) and give the people their gifts. Then I go to the stock people, give them their gifts and try to get some stock things taken care of. At this point we are starving so we run to Taco Bell then go to the post office. We grab a number...35...they are on 11...great. It actually went by quicker than I thought it would but in the end they did not have our package. It was a bummer but there isn't a lot to be done about it.

After this we start the long drive to the recruiters boss. We finally get there and he is of course on a conference call so we get to go upstairs and BS with a couple of other recruiters. We finally get down to him and he talks...a lot...then I ask a question and he goes to check on my paperwork. At that point he realizes that there is a screw up...a bad one that if he hadn't been double checking his recruiters work (not my current recruiters fault but the previous recruiters work) I probably would have had some issues shipping out. The paperwork at this point at one point lists me as single, then as married but with no marriage certificate to back it up (the previous recruiter had only had our certificate for a month!), MEPS doesn't like paperwork to be sketchy. So, he decides that I need to meet with my recruiter and she needs to go over all of my paperwork with me so we can make sure it is all good (understandable), unfortunately she can only meet up today. We finally get out from talking to him around five something and then have about an hour driving from him to our house for the extra papers we need to my actual recruiter. We finally get to her (and I feel bad for her because she has to stay late) and we sit down to take care of everything (and at this point I am already running late for my plans with my friends). So, two hours later we finally have everything straightened out (I hope) and we are all able to leave. I finally get to meet with my friends a couple hours late and we have a nice dinner together and then go our different ways. It was supposed to be a day with not a lot of errands and a night with friends but the errands took over, don't you hate those days?

mood: tired tags: dinner, errands, friends, paperwork, recruiter

I failed with doing chores today. I did some laundry but that is about it. Oh, and I weighed myself on my Wii fit (though I didn't actually work out on it) and discovered that even though I have been eating tons of junk for a while I have apparently lost a little weight. It might just be a daily shift or whatever but the fact that I didn't put on a bunch of weight surprises me (I even finished off my package of Chips Ahoy today, it only took me 3 or 4 days, that is a lot of cookies per day, not to mention all of the candy). So I guess after this journal entry I will sit and try to make a to do list and hopefully work from that tomorrow. I didn't even play video games today, I just ended up on a CSI Miami spree. We have them set to record and no matter how many I watch one day the next there is a ton more that I have to get rid of. Tomorrow, chores will be done tomorrow (or so I keep telling myself).

I went out to the store and started buying some stuff that I will be needing for basic. Anybody know if toothpaste counts for that 3 oz. liquid rule on air planes? I still need to get more stuff but I actually have to put a list together, the stuff I bought was just things I could remember off the top of my head. I also have to get my paperwork together still, that shouldn't even be too hard and I still haven't done it.

Hubby's teeth are getting worse apparently. This is a bad thing because I am not sure how soon we will be able to get him fixed. I was researching and it looks like I will be fully covered but he will still have a co pay and a monthly payment. I am not sure how much it is going to cost and since I won't exactly have the opportunity to really money manage in basic I am hoping that he can wait until I get to tech school (then I will also have some money saved up to do more than the little bit at a time we were thinking). I am really hoping he can hold out until I make it to tech school but I don't know if we are that lucky. The stupid thing about it is that my mom offered him $1000 to get his teeth fixed and thought that may not have taken care of all of it it would have taken care of something. He just never set it up. He never talked to her and set up the dental appointments it was just one of those things that never got done. If I had been in as much pain as he claims to be in as often as he says he is I would have done anything in my power to get it taken care of, but he didn't. I don't get him sometimes. He fails on this one...

mood: cold music: The Notebook movie in the background tags: basic training, chores, teeth

...is the theme for today.

Christmas has come and gone, I am sad but happy...ah the duality of life. So now I am waiting for New Year's Day and then the next big event...Basic Training! YAY! In the mean time I have to get the Christmas Tree taken down. I don't really want to put in the effort but I have to because the tree has been droopy and sad for a little while now so it needs to be taken out before all of the needles hit our floor and destroy the vacuum.

Christmas was good. I couldn't resist giving my sister and hubby their stockings early so everything was opened on Christmas Eve. They really liked the stockings, hubby especially loved the Floam. We thought that my mom's presents to hubby and I were here but apparently the post office lost one of our packages somewhere and it turned out to be the package for hubby and I. It was a confusion with all of us, we got one package with penguins on it and she kept asking me if the penguins had made it and so I responded yeah, because we had one package but multiple peguins. Unfortunately in all of our conversations we didn't stumble across the fact that she meant one package and I was only talking about one. So now my sister and I are going to try to track down the package but I am not sure if we will find it. I really hope we do, she had a check in there but that is easily taken care of (actually that part worked in our favor because she felt bad and so she decided she would give us some extra money to make up for it, now we can for sure cover the bills I need to cover before I go to basic) but she also had some hand made post cards for when I ship to basic. They honestly sounded really cute and absolutely perfect, pre-stamped and everything and she put a lot of effort into hand making them. She said she will try to make more but I am not sure if that will work out before I leave, I really hope she does.

We also had a friend come over and drop of his gifts for us. He gave me one of his old school books that we borrowed a while back and have read and he gave hubby some jewelry cleaner. On one hand it is nice because he didn't have to get us anything and at least he thought of us. On the other hand it is kind of another thing that points out how we are usually last minute thoughts (once again, duality). He got a bunch of web cams for his family (understandably family gets better stuff) and I haven't asked what he got for our other friend yet, but normally it is something pretty thoughtful and decently expensive (again, the cost of the gift is not the important thing I am just pointing out what he puts in to other people's stuff) [edit: friend got a space heater and a web cam as well]. I am not really unhappy about it, honestly I thing it is a bit funny but then again it kind of bugs because I know if we had the money hubby and I would have bought something pretty nice that he would have really liked and had a good use for, we would try to put thought and effort into it even though this is a friend we don't talk to a lot and don't really hang out with either (this is honestly one of those friends I think I want to distance myself from if possible). To some extent I kind of think it might have been better if he hadn't gotten us anything because now I kind of feel bad for not getting him anything.

I also think I may have pissed off another friend (or it is just the way Instant Messaging made it seem). He told me he thought he might get fired but he is only here for a week more anyway so it didn't really matter. Then he talked about how he would go sign up for unemployment and transfer it to Colorado when he moves (I don't even know if he can do that but I went with it since I don't know). I told him that people like that bug me and so he answered about people who leech of the government and made a joke, I said yeah, people who don't really need the money but just want it. Then I said whatever, at least he would be moving to Colorado to leech off that state and after that he said he was going to go get food and feed his greedy belly and signed off. Maybe I pissed him off and maybe I was a bit bitchy but this is just the attitude that gets to me a lot of times.

Sister has been hanging out for the past few days (between work shifts) and we have been watching a lot of movies. It is nice, I get to see things that I missed before and hang out so I am happy. She also bought me lunch (again, thank you sister) at this Mexican restaurant I have been craving for a long time. So I have left over chips and salsa as well as a good chunk of the dinner left and have now seen a ton of movies (Tropic Thunder, Hogfather, Santa Clause {thought I have seen that one before}, the South Park Christmas episodes and probably a few other things I can't remember...Prince Caspian is coming up next).

So my plan for the next couple of days is to weigh myself on the Wii fit and then try to work off some of the holiday weight...and continue to sit, play Mortal Kombat, munch on the Chips Ahoy that hubby got me as part of a Christmas gift (isn't he sweet, lol. I asked for those, an hour long massage and for him to clean everything before I leave so I can leave with a clean room/house, I am still waiting for that to start) and cash in those three dinners we got. So, probably not the best plan for before I leave but it sounds good to me.

mood: calm music: Parking Wars on TV tags: christmas, family, gifts, movies

That is all.

mood: happy music: South Park Christmas Episodes tags: christmas

Christmas is almost here, yay! So we are going to be hanging out with my sister on Christmas Eve, actually I will be hanging out with my sister because hubby will be at work. Then hubby will get home from work and hopefully we can have some time to open presents and hang out with all three of us. Then hubby and I (though sister is totally invited and I still kind of hope she goes but I can understand how it is awkward for her) will go to his families house to visit with his Grandmother and everybody else. I feel bad for cutting time with my sister short but unfortunately it needs to be done. Hopefully I can get a decent amount of time with her before she has to go to work on Christmas day. It will be another crazy holiday but hopefully everybody will be happy and have fun.

I have been playing a lot of Mortal Kombat lately. I still can't fight very well against hubby and I also can't remember most of the combos but I am going through the story on Deception, it is pretty fun and I have unlocked a lot of stuff. Actually I think I am almost done with the game so I better start remembering the combos pretty quickly so I can fight hubby, he has been missing the one on one fighting against a person and not a computer.

Not too much else has been going on, I am finally pretty much over that stupid cold thank goodness. Hubby still has his cough but is getting over it. I have to finish getting some paperwork together for before I ship and still have to get the bills paid and set up to automatically debit from my account...actually I still have a lot to do and I should get on it quickly but I think it will wait until after the holidays.

mood: cold tags: christmas, family, mortal kombat

So we went to my family dinner today. A good chunk of our family was late but that is normal, the unfortunate part about it was that we couldn't stay and eat because we had to go to the wedding. We had some soup and salad, caught up with the family and had some fun times. Most of the family was excited about me going to the Air Force and wished me luck but my one aunt that was there was just being bitchy. I told her I got a 91 out of 99 on the ASVAB (a score I am told is very impressive) and she looked at me and said "ONLY a 91? I would have thought you would have scored better, your great grandfather..." and she went on about he scored incredibly high when they were just creating the system or something. Then she tried to convince me that recruiters are crappy and evil and that I would probably get screwed over in a few different ways. It irritated me but I got over it and pretty much ignored her as best I could. I got to talk to my cousin who is the most recent entry into the military in our famiy, he joined the marines a little over a year ago and he actually seemed genuinely interested in what I was saying about the Air Force. I never had too much in common with that cousin but it is nice that now I will. He was always an awesome cousin and I love him, he is one of the better ones, but he was always messing with computers and was older than me so there was just nothing that we could easily talk about, but now we have military. We also got a present from my Uncle and we (I) decided we wouldn't open them until Christmas. I figured we needed more wrapped presents under the tree to make it a little less sad. My other Uncle gave us a couple of hats from the Pentagon since he is there for a bit so that is kind of nifty too.

After we ran out of the dinner we drove to the wedding. We were just barely on time but they were running late anyway so it was all good. The wedding was cute, just a little backyard party set up, the bride was gorgeous and it was all fun. They had Olive Garden do the food and so I got to eat decently there and they had a bunch of alcohol and hubby's uncle ran the bar. They used the DJ we had at our wedding so we got to talk to him for a bit and everyone had a good time.

The wedding was not without its unfortunate part, not so much a part of the wedding itself but part of the family and just bad timing. Hubby's grandmother got cancer last year and she seemed to be doing better. Just recently she went in for testing because they thought the cancer had come back. Today we found out (the family taking care of her meaning the wedding party found out on Thursday) that not only did the cancer come back but it has spread from her pelvis to her heart/aorta. The family is not expecting her to live to her birthday in May, some were saying they don't expect her to make it past February (she has been losing weight and struggling for a while already). At this point she wouldn't make it through chemo and they won't give her a biopsy to figure out how bad it is unless she agrees to chemo anyway (doesn't that just seem silly) so the family has decided there is no reason to put her through chemo again since it made her so sick and unhappy before so we don't know exactly how long she has. The unfortunate part is it sounds like I won't be around. I will be gone for about 6 months and they don't even expect her to make it that far which means that potentially hubby will be dealing with this alone. I hate that idea but I don't know what I can do about it. the best I figured is if something happens when I am gone he can try to call the base and see what they say and if they will give me a leave but I don't know if that would even work out. Other than that I will have no contact with him other than snail mail letters so I won't even hear about it until well after the fact. It is a bad situation in so many different ways.

On top of that, hubby's aunt works for Yamaha and has for 27 years (I think, I could be wrong on that number, I know it has been a long time) and they, just like everyone else, are struggling with the recession. They offered all of their employees who have been there for a long time early retirement. She has decided to say no because she wouldn't be able to touch her retirement funds for another couple of years by US law unless she wants to pay a horrendous tax on it. Unfortunately, the company has said that if enough people say no to the early retirement there will probably have to be massive layoffs. We are hoping that if they do the massive layoffs they start from the bottom but we all know sometimes the people who have been there the longest are the first to get cute because they get paid the most. This is some news that has not been told to grandma because we don't want her to have the extra stress so it is all one big crappy mix.

So the day was good but the times ahead are looking a bit dark. I hope things turn out as well as they can, this family has dealt with so much already.

mood: blah music: hubby playing Mortal Kombat tags: cancer, family, layoffs, wedding, work

You know how sometimes you get lost and it totally sucks and other times you get lost and things turn out amazingly well? Tonight was one of those amazingly well nights and over all the day was awesome. I went to Rain Forest Cafe with my sister because we needed to buy a cup for my mom and her husband, originally my sister said she would treat me to lunch but Rain Forest Cafe was too expensive so we wouldn't eat there. Well she decided to deposit some checks and just had her payday so she felt rich for the moment which worked out and we did end up having a great lunch at Rain Forest Cafe. We bought the glasses and then we were going to go shop at Company D for a few other things. We ended up getting lost on our way to Company D and landed ourselves at the Honda Center. I look over at their display and see that Sarah Brightman will be playing and tell my sister about it because we both love Sarah Brightman. Well she asks when it is and I check and turns out it is tonight. She tells me to call them up and see if they have tickets. We both figured they would be sold out and the show would have started already (this was around 5:45) so I call thinking we would get a quick no and be on our way to Company D. It turns out that not only do they still have tickets but they have tickets that my sister, in her momentary feeling of being rich, can afford and to top it all off the show doesn't start until 7:30. Awesome! So I call up my hubby to see if he is interested because he will be off of work in time and he says it sounds fun (I have just recently introduced him to Sarah Brightman and though he hadn't heard much of her music he enjoyed what he had heard). So sister and I park (no body is there so we get our pick of the parking and end up with the best spot you can get short of the handicap spot) and go up to the window to buy our tickets (after circling the building once trying to find out where to buy the tickets because the signs were pointing the wrong way). We get our three tickets and meet up with hubby and head in. Absolute nosebleed, freaking high seats but the stadium is set up so it doesn't really matter. We can't see her face but we can see the show completely with nothing in our way, pretty good for the $50 a piece. We bought some munchies and sat back for the show and it was incredible. We had just recently been talking about Sarah Brightman and how fun it would be to see her in concert and there it is.

Once again put my sister and I together and amazing things happen, it is awesome all around. We are debating if it is our luck as sisters or everything lining up for me before I leave but I am hoping it is luck as sisters, that can be used more often in the future. This day turned out so incredibly well and fun, I thought it would just be a shopping day that I got free lunch out of my sister, then I thought it was great that lunch was bumped up to Rain Forest Cafe and thought that would be the major high light. I am so happy I was wrong on that.

mood: excited music: Sarah Brightman

The tree is decorated! Sister came over and we all worked on it. We also decided that we are missing a lot of our Christmas decorations. Bummer.

mood: happy music: Could you survive...on TV tags: decoration, tree

I am really cold right now. Stupid house, I can't wait until I get into a place that I can turn on the heater and know that it will heat the whole place. Not to mention I can't wait until I get to the point where I can afford to run the heater. I also can not shake this stupid wanna-be, half-assed, pitiful excuse for a cold. It isn't bad, which I should be happy about but it is irritating as hell. I just want it to go away, and while on that note I want hubby's cold to go away too. I want us to both be healthy so we can properly cuddle and be happy and so I can make him laugh with out him breaking out into a coughing fit that seems like it will kill him. We also better not be sick for New Years this year, we have been for the last two years and since we are sick right now hopefully we have it out of the way and will be healthy for everything else (please let me be totally healthy when I ship, I do not need to have the extra stress of a cold at 0 week).

So apparently people are going to miss me when I leave. Obviously I knew they would but knowing it will happen and actually hearing the people express it is different. It started with my sister leaving a comment on here, just a simple basic I will miss you comment. I have been hearing it from my mom for a while but it is different from her because she doesn't even live in the same state, she can't miss me much, she doesn't see me, the only thing she loses out on is the occasional phone call from me. Then last night hubby and I were talking and he had that really sad sounding I will miss you, then I get a call from him today and he says he will miss coming home to me, and how much it will suck that I won't be there. All stuff you would expect people in your life to tell you when you are leaving for a while but it is just weird once you actually hear it. It is a whole other level to this whole thing and it is just making it all the more real right now. I can't wait to get on with everything but I am realizing that I will end up missing a lot more than I originally thought (and before anybody thinks it I knew I would miss my sister and husband while I was gone).

I am hungry, I have probably eaten a lot more than I should have today but I am still hungry. That is what I get for eating junk food, it is never really filling for very long. Hopefully hubby will come home and make something good, I was hoping for stuffed peppers but I don't think we have all of the stuff we need. Plus, I don't know if he is really in the mood to cook, he is in a crappy situation at work again and it is really getting to him. It sucks, there is nothing I can do to help him out of it, and no one is hiring right now so he can't get out of it himself. It is all bad situations but hopefully it will all be resolved soon unless we get hit by bad luck again...

mood: cold tags: basic training, cold, sick

I stole my sister's quiz. I let her do the stumbling and just send me the fun stuff and it seems to work out pretty well. So I knew that Yoda was a potential on this quiz but no one else so it was fun.

"Possessing a rare combination of wisdom and humility, while serenely dominating your environment you selflessly use your powers to care for others.

Even the smallest person can change the course of the future."

I took in my mom's car to the dealership to fix the engine light and it turns out that they will do the smog check as well. This makes me happy, kill two birds with one stone type of deal. I still have a bunch of chores to do (and temporarily no car to do them with) but this was the biggest one. Now we can register the car and be dandy.

I would walk to my other errands, because really, they aren't far, but it is raining. I love the rain and I love that it is raining. It won't be helpful for my quasi-cold and it is making everything freezing but that is ok. I am hoping my cold doesn't get worse, really I just have my minor soar throat, that itch between the ears and throat that is irritating, and a bit of a head ache; nothing major but still not fun. Our room mate has turned on the heater which I am not sure is a good thing or not. It will heat up our rooms but not the rest of the house and it will increase our utility bill but hopefully not by much.

I signed my 15 day checklist with my recruiter today. I actually have 20 but since I was in the office she figured I may as well sign it. It is crazy to think I am that close to shipping. I was thinking about it and I have a lot of stuff to do still. I have to get all of the names and phone numbers of a lot of people from my work history for security clearance, I have to shop for some things I need, get some other extra paperwork that I will need for basic and set up my direct deposit paperwork. A lot of paperwork but hopefully this all should be pretty easy. So close!

location: Tv room mood: cold music: Star Trek Voyager on the TV tags: basic training, errands, quiz, rain

Hubby is doing a little better with his cold, yay. Unfortunately I think I am starting to catch it, it isn't bad yet. Maybe I will just feel not as good as normal instead of totally crappy, I really hope I don't get completely sick, I am sick often enough and we have a busy Saturday coming up. We have a family dinner which I will probably only be able to swing to for about an hour, then we have to really quickly get to a wedding. Busy day...

I went shopping today for Christmas. I probably shouldn't have, really should have saved the money and used it for bills but I didn't. I feel happier though, it just didn't feel like Christmas knowing that I wasn't getting hubby a stocking or any presents for him or my sister. I know Christmas is supposed to be about family time and being happy with each other and not the material things but we have always had our family time while opening presents. We all hang out around the tree, talk and figure out what we are getting, we bond and talk, it is just our tradition to have stockings and gifts. It just didn't feel right before and I am definitely in a more Christmas-y mood since I bought stuff (I am also a lot more broke but that is ok with me for the moment). I guess it isn't really materialistic of me since I am spending money and giving people things. Now I just have to wait until Christmas, now that I have something to look forward to it will be hard. I didn't get anything spectacular for anybody but I have always loved seeing people's reactions to things I give them or do for them. This year my sister has the perfect schedule with work. She has Christmas Eve off and that is when we traditionally open presents and then she has Christmas morning off to actually spend some time with us on the day. I figured that we were going to have awkward hours or crazy times trying to figure out how we can all have some time together. It looks like we will be having our little dinner (precooked chicken from the store, green beans, potatoes and maybe some other things that we don't have to put a whole lot of effort into) and having a whole day of watching various movies and shows (yay Buffy, Dark Angel, and maybe some Heroes). It should be a pretty fun Christmas Eve/Christmas. We also will get the tree decorated hopefully on Thursday or Friday after my sister is done for finals. It is delayed but we have time that we will get it done and it will be a big family thing too.

I am watching Biggest Loser right now and I am kind of bummed because I am realized I am missing a ton of season premieres while I am at basic. I am going to be missing a bunch of shows. I am making hubby record them on our DVR (hopefully I don't overload the thing) and I should be back from tech school right as everything finishes. I guess this works out for me because I hate having to wait a week between episodes and I hate watching commercials, but it is just sad that I don't get to watch my shows with hubby or chat about how we want it to go. I think I am just starting to realize how long I will be gone and how stressful it will be and how much is going to change. I am excited but worried but I have already said that so I think I will let that be.

My fingers are going numb because the house is super cold so I am going to curl up in my blankets and finish my show, then maybe go to bed and hope I don't get sick.

location: home mood: cheerful music: Biggest Loser on TV tags: biggest loser, christmas, shopping

Hubby and I slipped yesterday. We have been really good about not fighting because our fights just kept us constantly angry and irritated at each and kept us in a really stupid cycle that we finally managed to break out of. Yesterday we had a slight relapse, a decent argument over some of the old stuff but we ended up saying some new things that I think needed to be heard. We managed to cut the fight down instead of it being something that made us angry for the whole night. We ended up going out to play pool and had a better night than we have had in a very long time so over all things turned out well. I think it is just a matter of making the decision to act differently, it seems easy but it is not at all and I think this will be a big struggle for us. The only way to change you actions is to become fully aware of them and sometimes you also have to figure out the real reasons for the behavior and work past them, none of it is very easy.

Hubby got a cold that started a little last night but it is hitting pretty hard today. I have to say that my boy is totally pitiful when he is sick. Usually he walks around like he knows everything and can take care of anything but when he is sick he milks it I think. Maybe he isn't that bad but he definitely turns into a sad little boy, it is cute for a bit but I really hope he doesn't stay sick for too long. He is thinking of taking the day off from work tomorrow which, sadly, we probably can't afford. I haven't said that yet, I am really hoping he gets better because he usually has a really good immune system. I think I will just let him miss it, he can figure out his own money and I shouldn't have to tell him what he can and can't do.

By the way, a tip to everyone, don't let someone who is sick attempt to cook. Hubby tried to make some breakfast potatoes today for breakfast/lunch...I just finished eating them after I finished cooking them (of course I made some eggs as well, yay breakfast for dinner!). He ended up pulling the potatoes off of the stove and just deciding he would finish them later but he got sicker and couldn't finish them. We still have a second batch that hasn't been cooked (he cut up too many) and unfortunately they have been sitting on the counter (though covered with a plate so the cats can't get them) and I really think they are going to get thrown out. It is a pity but a learning experience I suppose...

Oh, and we still haven't decorated the Christmas tree...we had hopes for today but probably not, though we did end up canceling running with my recruiter (yay for rain in California!)

mood: cold music: America's Funniest Home Videos on the TV tags: christmas tree, cold, fight