I am twisted...things went weird tonight...I want real friends. I want people who don't just go along with something because they are afraid not going along with it will start BS. I want people who know me and aren't afraid to tell me to shut up once in a while. I want to drop all of this stupid friendship emotional baggage that everyone keeps bringing to the table and holding on to. I want to not deal with all of the stupid drama, I am tired of living in a Jerry Springer show. I want people who aren't afraid to deal with a little hassle in a friendship because they know that the issues will get worked out and the relationship will be better for it.

Seriously, how does anything in your life get resolved if you step out of every debate/argument/discussion/whatever because it is a hassle? That makes zero sense to me. If you do that all of the time you are just going to go along with BS that makes you unhappy and then when you finally have to say something the person is going to be confused as hell. Not only that but all of a sudden you are irritated about shit this person has been doing a while and they had no idea, I hate being made to feel like I have been bugging someone like that. I hate feeling like someone thinks one way and then they turn around and it is different, I hate people who make me feel like a fool and that does and I hate being confused by someone I thought I knew so well. I get defensive and angry when that happens. I have been screwed over by that before, I just hate it, so I get angry and start fighting. Really, if people would just be honest from the start it wouldn't be an issue at all. Why is it so hard to be honest?

I feel like I have more issues after all of this stupidity. I feel like more shit has been turned around onto my personality. Everybody says I argue my way out of blame...doesn't everyone? Especially if, as far as I can tell, it really isn't my fault? I don't see how it is my fault if you let some thing I do that bothers you just go on without telling me about it. I hate it when people shift blame and have no real logic to back it up. I will apologize if I understand that I have one something wrong, but if you can't find enough actual valid reasoning to make me feel I have done something wrong I won't apologize. I have spent too long apologizing for stuff I didn't do, I won't do it anymore, it makes me feel bad because then I think everything is my fault. Call me stubborn, call me a bitch, whatever, at least I won't be buried in guilty feelings because I think I am fucking up everywhere. Give me logical arguments and not some BS you are trying to disguise as logic with "witty" comments. Woo hoo, you can be a smart ass, I am unimpressed, get back to the point.

My day was going pretty well and I was pretty happy before, now I am just blah. I hate going back and second guessing my actions. I hate stupid arguments that make no sense (doesn't mean I will fight any less hard) and I just hate our whole situation. Is it really my fault I didn't call him? Should I just have ignored what he said to my husband? Should I not have been upset or offended by it? Was it not a stupid comment? Was it just not something I shouldn't have concerned myself with or was I just wrong to try to vent about it?

Screw it all, I am going to basic training and I don't think there will be much looking back. I will miss some good times and the way things used to be but they have changed into something else and I don't know if I can honestly say that something else I will really miss. It is a thing of mistrust and hurt and arrogance and veiled self consciousness. It is a thing of trying to make yourself seem better than those around you so you feel better about yourself but in doing so hurt others. It can be fun sometimes, there can be nice times and fun times, but I am wondering if the good really out weighs the bad. We will see when basic rolls around and I can sit outside of it all and look in and say whether it is a situation I want to be near again.

I feel like something happened tonight that can't really be undone, I am just not entirely sure of what that something is yet. Unfortunately I think it will not be something with a happy ending, I think that for this moment I am unhappy because I think somewhere I know what is happening or will happen.

location: my twisted mind mood: depressed music: nothing tags: argument, debate, discussion, fights, honesty